Girls and Alternative Horoscopes – your dose of everyday wisdom.

SCORPIO

(October 23 to November 21)

Out with the old and in with the new. Clear out that wardrobe and cut off that hair. Holding on to some bits of the past is about as productive as staying in bed all day staring at the ceiling eating crisps.

 

SAGITTARIUS

(November 22 to December 21)

Jealousy is an ugly emotion. It’s like tripping over and vomiting on yourself on the nightbus home while the other person is having a glass of champagne, feeling slightly tipsy, having a little boogey…

Don’t bother with it. Go dance instead! (Only vomit on yourself after a truly excellent night.)

 

CAPRICORN

(December 22 to January 19)

Why are you so scared? Life is only scary when you think about scary things. Think about Ryan Gosling instead. Or wine.

 

AQUARIUS

(January 20 to February 18)

Don’t do the dishes. Go outside. Live a little.

 

PISCES

(February 19 to March 20)

Focus on your own happiness instead of everyone else’s for once. A miserable person can’t make another person happy anyway.

 

ARIES

(March 21 to April 19)

Things will NEVER be exactly as you want them to be and that is totally ok. Once you have bought that new pair of jeans and gotten that promotion, you are going to start wondering about your flat and whether you should move, because there isn’t enough room for the cat. Once you’ve moved out, you’ll be questioning your relationship and whether it’s letting you be the best person you can be. Then you’re going to start panicking. Then you’re going to want to lose a couple of pounds. Once everything is seemingly back in place and you’ve started going on weekly runs in the park, some other thing is going to unwind and make you feel like your life isn’t moving in the right direction. But there is no right direction! Life sometimes moves forwards, then round in circles, then backwards, then forwards again. As long as you are vaguely doing your best, there are no disappointments. Keep going, girl!

 

TAURUS

(April 20 to May 20)

Stop putting labels on things. Spending time trying to put words on a feeling is going to distract you from feeling the actual feeling. And that is sad. Putting labels on things is like going to a Beyoncé concert and watching it through your iPhone, desperately trying to record every single moment. You’re documenting the enjoyment out of life – often it’s better to live for the experience, not the story.

 

GEMINI

(May 21 to June 20)

The marvellous thing about life is that we are all in it together and nobody knows what the hell they are doing. Keep improvising and cherish those around you.

 

CANCER

(June 21 to July 22)

“FInd what you love and (don’t) let it kill you.”

Putting a positive spin on Charles Bukowski.

 

LEO

(July 23 to August 22)

Stop being so fricking hard on yourself! NO, you can’t do everything at once! Sometimes stuff just takes a little bit more time. You’re not going to get anything productive done when you keep punishing youself like this anyway.

 

VIRGO

(August 23 to September 22)

Do something that terrifies you. Anything. Go ahead and tell him/her you love him/her. Disagree with someone about something. Run around naked!

LIBRA

(September 23 to October 22)

Some useless facts that won’t change your month:

1. ⅔ of people turn their heads to the right when they kiss.
2. Slovenia is the only country that has the word love in it.
3. On average you lose two friends when you fall in love.
4. The further away we are from home, the more likely we are to tweet words related to happiness.
5. Athletes perfom better when they look at pictures of happy people instead of grumpy people before they compete.